poem

this is a poem that i read that mean a lot too me.

LEARNING FROM MY PAST

as the days pass slowly
and the weeks creep by
i find myself obsessing
about ways that i could die.

i lay awake at night
thinking about the pain.
there's no way it can get better;
i have nothing left to gain.

suddenly thoughts if death
are controlling my every move,
and every battle with my mind
i always seem to lose.

i no longer want to be around
the people that i love.
all that i can think about
is what's waiting up above.

i cut my arms with razor blades,
to dull the pain inside,
but that can only last so long
i dont want to be alive.

i manage to keep my composure
when people are around.
they wont understand me
so i dont make a sound.

i smile when i have to.
i break down when i dont.
i know i should be strong,
but i also know i won't.

so i make a plan to take some pills.
it shouldn't take too long.
i write out notes to all my friends
to read when i am gone.

i ask my mom to understand
that life is just to hard.
my mind cant fight it anymore;
my heart is far too scarred.

i plan it out so perfectly
i even set the date.
i am pretty shure i'm ready;
i know this is my fate.

my bed is made up neatly
as i take them one by one.
i start ti feel a little scared;
i know i am almost done.

all that i can think about
is how i'm letting go,
and how much i love my family.
i really hope they know.

my eyes are getting heavy.
my body feels so weak.
everything inside is numb.
thats the way it has to be.

i'm glad my mom's not here right now
to slowly watch me die,
but still i wish that i could say'
"i love you and good-bye."

i give in to the darkness.
i slowly slip away.
i hope i go to heaven
where the night turns to day.

i wake up in confusion,
i dont know where i am.
is this heaven, or is it hell,
the land of the eternally damned?

there are people all around
although i can barley see,
i can hear the soothing voices
of people dear to me.

my family and friends are here
comforting one another.
i can hardly make out any words,
until i hear my mother.

each tear she cries feels like a knife
stabbing at my soul.
i let my pain and suffering
blind me from my goal.

at one point i was determined
to make it through this test,
to lead a life of fulfillment
and to do my very best.

but i somehow lost all sight of that.
i hope she can forgive.
i promise not to waste
my second chance to live.

i sit up in my hospital bed
tears streeming from my cheeks.
my mother rushes over crying
like she hasn't seen me in weeks.

i tell her that i'm sorry
for causing her so much strife.
i tell her that i will succeed
in leading a better life.

together we figured out a way
for me to get some help.
i now know that i can go to her
instead of doing it myself.

i know that it's not over yet;
its a long road up ahead,
but i appreciate the little things
because i could be dead.

I've learned to live each passing day
as if it were my last.
i look forward to my future,
and i'm learning from my past.
- Rachael Bennett